discussion · Love Your Self

I wanted to kill myself but

Today after I had the usual fight with my parents I really had nothing to fight for anymore. I am a good girl, don’t think bad, but my parents are really really strict, hyper protective and not sensible with me. I have huge dreams, huge hopes and great capabilities, and growing up I have learned to be like a duck with them, otherwise I would be already mental if I listened to them all the time.

The duck metaphor means that I have to leve the water out of me, and go on with my thoughts, waterproof like a duck, this is what one of my dearest friend (my big sis) always old me.

Sometimes things get really really strong and hard to get trough, and today I saw the world falling down on me, I really wanted to let everything go. I have thought many times about suicide, but then I think I deserve the life I want to have, and I don’t kill myself just to give the satisfaction to those annoying people, but today it has been really hard.

Even though my parents give me lots and I mean A LOT of material things, they don’t give me the kind of cuddling love that I really really need. It is not a matter of hormones that I am dying to have sex with someone, it is just the physical protection of a hug, a long and silent hug.

Fortunately today the right person was at the right place, I won’t say his name to keep it anonymous but let’s call him Tom. Tom took his car and came to my village just to spend 45 minutes with me, in which I felt free to talk about everything, in which he cuddled me, and in which he made me feel loved. Even though for some people may be strange, thinking that I go out randomly with the first guy I see, it is not like that. I don’t feel love for him, but when I am with him I feel that kind of relax and tranquillity that is amazing, that brings my smile back.

There’s nothing I want to tell you in this post more than that, I don’t have any tips for panic attacks that last for a long-term solution I am a victim of that, I don’t have tips either for violence or to make things go better when they are really bad, but if you have problems I would really suggest you to go to someone who could really really help you, a psychologist for example.

I am happy now I still believe in all of my dreams, maybe I would have as well, but I am happy I went against my parents and met Tom today it has really made my day better. And I have all of his perfume around me which is good 🙂

Ps: there are other two people who today have probably been even more important than Tom, one is my big sis, and the other one is my bff over the ocean.

Pps: I know that that is not a long-term solution but so far It’s great

Fede xx

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